No dirty or vulgar jokes
by Sibte Shah
Kids are brighter than you think they are & what's more?
YOU CAN'T BEAT INNOCENCE !!!
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Four friends were taking coffee in a cafe located on the main floor of a 20 floors highrise inn. Suddenly the light went off and somebody announced on the speaker, please be patient, light will be back after 5 hours, adjust yourself accordingly.All these friends were occupying the room on the 20th floor, and decided to walk up since the elevator service was off as well.
Don't be curious.
3 insurance agents from different companies were taking coffee in a cafe and telling the stories of how efficient their companies are. "I don't think there is any other company more efficient than ours",one of them said. "How?", other two agents questioned him. "Last month we heard there was an accident on 4th avenue at 11.00 a.m. and the driver was killed at the spot who was insured with our company. Our underwriter wrote the cheque and delivered to his beneficiary at 11.45 a.m. just within fifteen minutes". "Not a big deal", 2nd agent shouted and bragged; "Our company is more efficient". "O ya! tell us how"? other 2 agents asked this guy now. "On highway 49, the underwriter of our company witnessed an accident while driving. The underwriter approached and discovered the dying man was insured with our company. The underwriter wrote the cheque immediately and left it on his dead body". "Amazing! really amazing!" the first one replied. "No! No! No! wait a second, let me tell you about my company's efficiency before you celebrate", the third agent claimed. "Alright let us hear yours", other 2 agents stated surprisingly. "Our office is on 16th floor of Sterling star building. Our underwriter saw a man jumped out from the 20th floor window and when he was just passing by our 16th floor window, our underwriter gave the cheque in his hand".Wise decision
Five people were cruising and enjoying, suddenly storm came and the boat they were sailing started sinking. All of them were shocked and thinking the way to escape. One person asked the rest,"is here any one who knows the prayers to save life on this occasion". "Sure, I know that prayers", one person replied. "Thank God! we had only 4 life jackets", they all suggested.
An Arab went to buy a horse. The seller told Arab "my horse is the best, it understands only quranic words". "What words?" Arab asked the seller. "Well! when you sit on it, say Allaho Akbar,(God is great) if you want him run, say alhamdu lillah.(thank God) If you want horse to stop, say subhan allah".(praise to God only) Arab liked it and bought the horse. He sat on it saying Allaho akbar, then he said alhamdu lillah, horse started running rather flying. After a few minute, Arab noticed a deep ditch coming ahead in a moment. Arab was stunned just imagining his death coming in a moment. He forgot the word to make the horse to stop. In a few second he recalled the word while in a shocking state. "Subhan Allah, Subhan Allah". Horse stopped while one leg up in the air right on the ditch one third and two third on the ground. Arab looked up in the sky taking deep breath and said "Alhamdu lillah",(alhamdu lillah in arabic language means thank God).DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY
When a taxi driver did not make a stop at red light and drove through, the passengers screamed "hay! hay !hay man! watch". Don't worry sir, my brother does it all the time, taxi driver replied calmly, and every one forgot what happened in a few minutes. After a little while at the next intersection there was a green light but the taxi driver did make a stop now and did not drive through. Passengers questioned taxi driver, "why you stopped now there is a green light". My brother may be coming from the other side sir, driver again replied calmly
While driving on a highway a biker approached to the car and asked the driver "have you ever seen the motor bike?" the car driver looked at the biker and thought what kind of a silly question is this "have you ever seen a motor bike" and sped up. Momentarily the biker approached the car driver again while driving and asked the same question. The car driver this time gave the biker annoying look and accelerated . Suddenly the car driver heard a big noise, he turned his head and saw the biker smashed on to road barrier and fell down. The car driver was a nice guy as well, so he reversed his car reached the biker. It was very bloody since the accident was severe. The car driver suggested the biker " I think you need an ambulance immediately, let me make a phone call, do you need anything else? The biker with painful voice asked the car driver the same question "haaave yooou ever seeeeeen the moooo tor bike"? This time as a courtesy, the car driver replied,"yes I have seen many times and drove many times". Where are the brakes of a motor bike? the biker asked
A policeman was trying to stop a biker while yelling " hey! stop! you don't have head lights". "Sorry officer, I can't stop, I don't have brakes either". biker answered while kept driving.
One guy standing near a high rise building talked to another guy who was smoking,"excuse me may I ask you a question", "yes! go ahead", another guy replied. "How many packs you smoke a day"? "two Packs" smoker answered politely. "How long you been smoking"? "40 years", smoker replied again. Then this guy started calculating."You know if you never had smoked, you could have owned this three story building". "Do you smoke"? Smoker asked this guy now."no I don't".Non smoker replied. "Do you own any three story building"? "no I don't". "by the way, this whole block of buildings is mine". smoker replied.
An over wight lady phoned her girl friend from grocery store. Her girl friend's brother picked up the phone.The lady said "tell your sister I have got the meat". "I know you got the meat", brother of the lady answered while laughing..
TEST YOUR BRAIN...BEST RIDDLE IN THE WORLD
We all know 2 minus 2 is zero or 95 minus 95 is zero likewise if we minus same numbers of any given number the answer is always zero, but, but, but, here is the number 45 and minus 45 equal ? No.No. Nope not zero . How we arrage 45 minus 45 so that the answer should be 45..Grrrrrreat riddle ...Answer this question via firstname.lastname@example.org
One lawyer was sitting in a train, in front of him there was another person sitting awkwardly, carrying lots of sweets and gift with him. The Lawyer did not like this poor man's dress and class and started making fun of him. He asked the person "where you coming from and where you going". The low class person replied"I am coming from India and going to Pakistan after four years". "O' I see, that's why you carry lots of gifts and sweets". "No. No., actually my wife phoned me last week and told me she gave birth to a boy", poor man replied. "Last week?", The lawyer asked surprisingly. "yes! last week".The poor person replied calmly. "You still think he is your baby? while you are returning home after 4 years". The lawyer started laughing and making fun of him ?. "who cares sir, after all I have to make him a lawyer anyway when he is grown up", the poor man answered smilingly
A police man stopped a speeding car and approached the driver "may I ask your name?" Police man asked the driver". "Yes go ahead", The driver answered. "very smart", the police man made the remarks, "O.K. show me your license", police man ordered the driver this time."here you go", the driver handed over the license to police man. "who is this?" police man asked the driver. "My wife". the driver answered. "again smart, I want yours" the police man said rudely now. "same and equal rights for spouse sir" the driver answered. Do you know what the police man did?...... Another best one is coming tomorrow.
One drunk man was looking up in the sky focusing on moon, in the meantime another drunk person came by, this drunk guy asked him" excuse me! what is that in the sky", pointing to the moon. "I am new in this city, I don't know either", other drunk person answered
A Vendor was selling hot dogs on the street. A man came to him and asked`excuse me`the Vendor looked at him and said`yes`. How far is the subway`, the man asked. `I have no idea, sorry`, The Vendor replied. The man started walking. The Vendor shouted`it will be 10 minute walk`. `But you said, you have no idea`.The man said. `Yes , I know, but I did not know your speed before`.The Vendor answered.
A man went to see the doctor. He entered the clinic while holding to his stomach and making painful face. Hi Mr. Smith, whats wrong", Dr. asked the man. "I have severe stomach pain", man answered. "do you remember what you ate today?", Dr. asked the man. " I ate some well cooked bread which was burned to black", man answered. "alright, alright, no problem, here are some eye drops, go home and use one drop in each eye", Dr. gave the medicine to Mr. Smith and waived hand."but Dr. I have pain in stomach", Mr. Smith complained. "I know, use this eye drops, next time you will see better before eating any burned food". Dr. replied.
A 25 year old man was called for compulsory army enrollment, the man did not want to join the army and consulted with many of his friends how to convince army officers that he is not fit for this job. He selected one of his friends idea the most powerful idea, and went to the military headquarter on the scheduled interview. The officer asked him "do you have problem which will stop you to join the services"?. "yes sir! I do", the man replied. "what problem?", the officer asked. "I see every thing in a pair". the man replied. "O, I see", the officer expressed in a smile. "alright, sit down", the officer asked the man. "in which chair sir?", since there was only one chair but to make his point that he sees every thing in a pair, he asked. The army officer replied"which ever is convenient to you". "and write down your complete bio data on the piece of paper". "Which paper sir?", since there was only one paper. "which ever is closer to you, write on it",the officer replied. The officer asked the man, pointing to the clock on the wall,"what is the time there?", "on which clock sir?", the man asked, since there was only one clock. "which ever the clock you can see better", the army officer replied."it is one o' clock", the man answered since the clock was showing 5 minute after one. The army officer replied with joy,"hurray! congratulation...you are hired". "How come sir, since I see every thing in a pair, still you are sending me to war, its a big risk.". "No, no, nope, why didn't you see 4 needles in the clock, 2 needles on 1 and 2 needles on 5, go and get ready".
One beggar rang the bell of a four floor high house. The owner was relaxing on the fourth floor in the balcony. He looked down in the street to find out who rang the bell. The owner of the home noticed a well dressed person standing at his door. The owner shouted", Hey! whom you are looking for?, "I am looking for you, please come down", the beggar answered. So the owner of the house had to come down all the way, opened the door and asked, Yes?. I am sorry to bother you sir, can you spare me couple of dollars?. The owner of the house was very very upset and wanted to say something bad but stopped and said,"come with me please". The begger followed him all the way up to the fourth floor and thought he got the money. "You know what?, I am sorry I don't have any money".the owner of the house said..
A professor was walking in a lonely(deserted) street at night, suddenly a robber came behind him and ordered him" don't move, if you move you are dead, I have a gun in my hand". Professor turned around and said" No young man you are wrong, If I move, this is the positive sign that I am alive".
A drunk man walking on the street and saw the full moon then asked a passer by"Hey listen, what is up there?",
A father took his son to psychiatrist and said "my son feels there is some one under the bed and cannot sleep". Dr. asked his father to bring that son to his clinic for six months treatments, and will cost $6000.00 . After spending $6000.00, problem was still there. Father took his son to another Doctor who asked to pay $10,000.00 for treatment, but this time one of father's friend told the father, "there is an easy way to solve this problem", "what is it", asked the father. "Remove the frame or legs of the bed".
A man walks into the bar really depressed. The bartender asks him what his problem is. “My dog just died and the damn vet charged me Rs 10,500.” Says the bartender: “Wow, that is pretty high. What did the vet do?” “Not much. I took the dog in there and told him, you got to help him Doc, this is the best dog I have ever had. The vet pokes at him for a few minutes and says, ‘I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.’ I said ‘Come on doc, this is my best dog, there’s got to be something you can do.’ The vet says, ‘OK, we can try one more thing.’ He goes over to this cage and grabs this cat and brings it over to the dog and swings it around the dog’s head. The vet says, ‘sorry but he’s gone. That’ll be Rs 10,500.’ I said, ‘What! Rs 10,500 to declare the dog dead?” He says, ‘Yeah. Rs 500 for the office visit and Rs 10,000 for the CAT scan.”
Once a doctor went to a mental hospital. he was walking by a room and saw a guy holding his ear to the wall, so the doc went to that guy and pushed him aside and tried to listen so the doc put his ear against the wall and said i don't hear anything. that guy slapped the doctor and said I am listening to this wall for 20 years i don't hear anything you just came and how the hell can you hear something.
"My great great grand father built a room so large that one can travel the whole day and still could not reach the half of it", Larry told his friend Robert. Robert kept quiet for a minute then said "my great great grand father has a stick so long that if there was no rain for many days then he used to shake the clouds with that stick and rain started to fall". "O' My God, where your great great grand father used to keep that long stick?",Larry asked while laughing. "In your great great grand father's room", Robert replied quietly
keep coming back, lot more has to come yet, it is just the beginning.
A sikh appeared in the court before judge and ask him to grant him the divorce. Judge asked him the reason. Sikh answered " my wife is not speaking with me for one year". "You are a lucky person,people wish to have this kind of wife", Judge replied with a smile.
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